I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
