Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
