Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
