After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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