how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
