If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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