I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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