Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
