My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
