Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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