hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my poor anus
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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