stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
