another moral hangover. fuck.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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