I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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