he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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