i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
