I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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