I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
