i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
