Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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