Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My bed smells like the plague
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
