Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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