I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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