i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.