I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
