I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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