he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
