never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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