I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
