i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
