i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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