good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
