I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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