1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
