for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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