So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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