This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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