In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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