Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
