I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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