I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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