Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
