My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
