Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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