The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
