She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
