Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
