remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
