Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
