I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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