I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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