george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How naked do you want me to be?
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