i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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