So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
