Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
