Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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