um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
