If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
