YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
