i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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