Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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